A guide to save yourself from Sues!
by Damned Lolita
Summary: This was inspired by a particually nasty flame from an anon reviewer. Hate Sues? Want to avoid them? Then read this! Save yourself and your work from Sues! And a class dies in almost every chapter! Whee!
1. Save me from Sues!

Hey. Someone gave me a scathing flame, saying I didn't explain how to create Not-Sues, my characters were actually Sues, etc... Well, even though I think that this shouldn't have to be explained to any writer worth their pens, I figured, whatever, write a guide. How to Create A Not-Sue!

(Oh, and for the record, Mr/Ms. Anon reviewer; Me and Aiden were just having fun. This wasn't intended to be a serious piece of work. Our pokemon in real life aren't all that normal; Cicero is LV 100 and Shiny. Gojira's lv 100, etc... but the Legends were just _starters_. _**LEVEL FIVE STARTERS.**_ (Christ on a cracker, people, I frigging MENTIONED THAT! THEY WEREN'T TRAINED BECAUSE THE SUE BELIEVED SHE'D ALWAYS WIN HER FIRST BATTLE!!)

They weren't real Legends, since _THEY CAN'T BREED_, and that's why it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a 'baby' Mewtwo or Mew, Celebi, etc... And no matter how powerful, a Legend will go down against a more powerful pokemon.

My level 87 BUIZEL beat Diagla. Fucking. _**BUIZEL**_.

And the gore at the end? Again, more senseless humor. Every character from the show WOULD fall under a Tyranitar. You'll notice I didn't mention pokemon. Why? Because it was just humans who were under the Sue's influence.

And my murder of the Sue? Again, simple humor. A Sue becomes so annoying you just want to kill her. That scene was a portrayal of that, and the entire feeling of, "That's not right!" you get when you read a story.

So, really, _**fuck you**_. It was petty, rude, and unhelpful. Since you're such a lovely writer, I bet you don't even need this guide. So go away, arse monkey.

Disclaimer: I don't own pokemon, and these aren't real writers, just hypothetical ones.)

"YO! SIT THE FRIG DOWN!" A girl screamed. Instantly, every author at the conference snapped to attention. The teen scanned the room. Some boys, few girls... The girl known as Lolita sighed.

"Damn, I could've been getting a manicure right now..." She sat on the desk. "Okay, my name is Lolita. You are all obviously fanfiction writers. Well, great. Today, I am going to teach you how to avoid the most infamous character creation in the ficverse; a Mary-Sue." The girl said solemnly.

The teens tittered to each other. The girl's face hardened. "So, you mock a Sue's power!? Well, then take a look at this!" She yanked a leash. Trudging in sadly, a horrible sight befell the writers.

A Suicune with a rainbow mane and pink fur stood before them. A bow was in it's crown. The once-proud goddess of the waters was a... "Sue-mon." The girl said grimly. The authors gasped. A scrawny girl of twelve raised her hand.

"Ms Lolita... I have a striped Glameow in my fanfic. Is it a Sue-mon?" The girl shook her head. "No... Ms, Sky, was it?" The girl grinned sheepishly.

"Actually, I myself had done a few recolors in my fics. Helalyn and Cheshire are both black." She released said pokemon, a Milotic and a Persian. "See, recolors or shiners are fine. But you need a legit reason for them being there. And an explanation. How do other pokemon view them? As gods? Monsters? Give a decent explanation. Don't just do 'this pokemon was special colored for this special trainer." The girl finished.

Another writer, a male, raised his hand. "Lolita, what about nicknames?" The girl nodded, and turned to the board. "Well, nicknames are a MUST. MUST. But a good nickname is imperative too. How many of you—and be honest, have either authored or read a fic with the following pokemon with the following names?" She flipped the board over. Written on it was the following:

_BLAZE: CHARMANDER, CHARMELON, ETC..._

_CERBERUS: HONDOUR/HOUNDOOM_

_SILVER: SQUIRTLE, LUGIA_

_SHOCK/ZAP/ELECTRIK: PIKACHU/PICHU/RAICHU_

Almost everyone raised their hands. The girl sighed. "I know. See, most unoriginal authors see the story pokemon as cardboard cutouts, necessary to the plot only as side effects." She released a few more pokemon. These were an Umbreon, an Absol, and a Jolteon. "These are a few of my pokemon. Their names are Cicero, Merope, and Kyuuri. All have personalities, feelings, and a past." She said this firmly.

"It is key that you realize this; YOUR POKEMON ARE YOUR PARTNERS. If you don't want to write a _Pokemon_ story with _**pokemon**_ in it, go write another fic." She took a breath and continued.

"Next, naming. Your character's name is obviously important. Some names NOT to choose are anything wordy, cliché, or too nonsensical."

She wrote a few names down. "Here we have a few of my own design as examples: Melody Swansong, Skye, Ashlee/Ashley, and anything remotely Japanese such as 'Neko', 'Kitsune', or 'Kami'." She slammed her fist into the board. The writers inched back. This girl was a good writer, but she was a BIT crazy.

"If you wish to do a Japanese name, add more than that. Some culture, music, and other such references are important for a fic with a protagonist with a name such as Neko Kami-chan." The girl slid her glasses up her nose. "Anyways, next we have looks." She held up a diagram.

"First, hair. Can it be a non-human color? Totally. But it has to STAY that one color, unless you describe dyeing it. And it can't change colors in the sun or from psychic powers, no matter WHAT. I don't care HOW powerful your OT is. Hair doesn't change color from pink to green in the sun." She pointed to the next thing.

"Now. Eyes. They are EYES, not 'orbs'. Bull. Eyes are also one, maybe two, colors. Not fifteen. And your eye color very rarely changes from 'feelings'."

Ironic, then, that the authoress' eyes flashed black before she could continue. She took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes, laughing.

"Sorry, don't mind Kiddo. She's just mad I haven't let her out. Anyway... next, for all you female writers, BOOBS." She then giggled.

"Sorry, but anyway; a natural, human body has only so much fat and mammary glands. A regular chest size is anywhere from AA to DD. Not F. Or G. Or any other letter of the alphabet. And no, ten year olds don't wear bras. And your character's weight must be in accordance with their chest size. Skinny character? Flat chest. Stocky character? Then she can have tits."

She sighed. "For the last bit on body structure, I'd like to apologize for focusing on women. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm singling you out, but I don't see as many boys with perfect features. For the record, however; ten year olds are kids. They are going to have baby fat still. Your OT's sixteen? Again, according body type, good and bad, of a teen."

She took a breath. "Now, what next... ah, yes! Powers!" She gestured to the others. "How many of you write stories where the OT can talk to pokemon?" Everyone raised their hands. Lolita shrugged. "It's okay. Hell, I have a story up centered around that. But what you can't do is give them powers outside of canon. Psychic powers? Last time I checked, those were psi pokemon's territory, not humans." She gestured to an Espeon's picture.

"Flight? Not unless they're pokemorphs. In which case, give a good explanation. Even Team Rocket is fine. Anything else is overkill. Pokemon have most of the power, not the trainer." She sat down.

"Well, that's the basic guide. Any other questions?" One girl raised her hand. "Yes, um, what about Legendaries?" Lolita drummed her fingers on the table. "Good frigging question. Legendaries are fine, just not as starters. And how do your other pokemon see this? Do they refuse to fight him/her, believing it to be sacrilege?" She raised an eyebrow.

"How did you come across this Legendary? And they must not be too over powerful. For example, you could beat a hypothetical Mewtwo if you fought it with a Dark or Bug type with higher stats. In that case, being a Legend doesn't mean shit."

She said bluntly. The girl nodded. A boy raised his hand. "Speaking of Legendary starters, what about starters in general?" Lolita thought. "Okay, this is a bit complicated. The thing is, if you start in a canon region, use the canon starters. Don't like that? Do a different region, or create your own.

Aeroh had my favorite starters from all of the generations. But you can't have a Cyndaquil in Kanto unless you give an explanation. And if you choose not to start with any canon starter, fine. But you have to get a pokemon that can evolve. Like a..."

She thought. "Hm. This is up to you, really, but I would suggest something that evolves about one, two times. And unless your character's rich, don't make it a stone ev." Another writer, this one fifteen with brown hair, raised her hand.

"Ms. Lolita, what about Eevee?" Lolita winced. "I knew this was gonna come up. Okay, I love Eevee. And all it's evolutions. Hell, I have, like, twenty. But your OT really shouldn't start with an Eevee. The only logical scenario for an Eevee starter would be if Professor Oak/Elm/Birch/Rowan died, and was replaced with Bill. And what does Bill breed? Eevees.

So yes, in that situation, Eevees are fine. But remember, you can always catch one later."

The bell rung, signaling the end of the conference. Lolita sighed. "All right, brats, hope this helps! We may continue this later, but if not..." She threw a smoke pellet down. Just before the teen writers ran, they heard, "DAMNIT MERLIN, I'M GETTING SICK OF THIS!!"

(More questions? Send them in a review! I'll do a sequel!)


	2. Suesaving, part Deux

Hey! Because of positive reviews, I'm back with part Deux! Well, there are a few things I need to clear up. One; Yeah, ten year olds do wear bras. Hell, I did. And I was a C. But I was chubby.

So, I really meant just ten year olds with boobs, curves, and all the characteristics of a teen, which screams self-insert. And a bad one.

And what a lot of people pointed out; a few Trainers in the game DO have psychic powers. You're right. I totally forgot, but what I mean was psy-sue powers, like; 'OMGZ I can fly and float objects soez I can win Teh BATTLES11!!" Not like Sabrina, who uses psi pokemon as well.

Most psy-sues don't have psychic pokemon, unless you count Mew. Okay, here you are!

Disclaimer: I don't own pokemon. Or the house I live in. But I have a bitch, and his name is Aiden. And he's gonna kill me for writing that. Ah, well... review with questions; I'll keep doing chapters!

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A group of teenagers, all with pencils in their hands, crowded in the room. This seminar was being run by a girl named Lolita, and rumor had it she was the craziest writer in the entire group.

Which said a lot, right there.

Sure enough, the girl rode in on a Rapidash. It must've been her; who else had pink-and-black hair with henna tattoos in all of pokemon fandom? "Hey! SIDDOWN, YA LITTLE JERKS!" She yelled. They sat down immediately.

"Righto, then. I'm Loli. Nice to meet ya, blah, blah, blah. Okay, we're all here to learn how NOT to write Mary-Sues, right?"

They all nodded. "Good. Well, let's start with questions." One girl raised her hand. "Yeah, what about names? What's overused?" The girl nodded. "Right, I hear ya. It's tough to think of creative names without being cliché. So, the names I suggest you avoid are as follows:

Anything with two nouns, like; Moonbeam, Leafdance, Angelmyst, and so on.

For single noun names, Summer, either as a first or last, Star, Moon, Raven, which MAY be acceptable for a goth OT, not for an OT with blonde hair and pink outfits, Ivy, Myst, and Autumn.

Actually, this one may be possible for a last name, with a first name like Vivi; something creative. And avoid names with a middle. Like Emily Rose Moonbeam. All of these are NEVER, EVER, EVER, to be used in anything but a parody. For people and pokemon both."

Another girl raised her hand. "What about good names? For girls or boys?" Loli shrugged.

"Um, for starters, don't do anything like Jake, Matt, or Jane. Most of the canon characters have interesting names; like Deliah, Agatha, Lorelei, and Lance.

Follow that example; easy to say, but memorable. Some suggestions from me are; Maylene, Germaine, Lucy, Lucius, Sharlie, Jepha, (male or female), Quinn, Asariel, Elaine, and Isia."

She saw the authors scribble these down in their notebooks. She sat on the desk. "Well?" A boy raised his hand.

"What about mysterious pasts? Are they overused?" The girl thought. "Ooh, I like that one! Well, it all depends. If you're like, "OmGZ i haz a mysterious past wat now!!11!", then, HELL NO.

But if you have a past concerning something like a curse on your family, or if you witness your parents' murder, then yeah, a mysterious past is fine. Just make sure to explain it to the readers, okay?"

The boy nodded. "Okay, one more question; how about family? Can they be canon characters?" The girl spun in the chair. "Huh. Well, I have Lorelei as Luna's mom in my story, so... You can use canon characters. All except for two; Ash Ketchum and Lance. Ash, because I fcking hate Ash, and he is SO OVERUSED, it's not even FUNNY. And Lance too, except I don't hate him.

And if you use a canon as family, give an explanation for them; what are your grandparents/aunts/uncles like? Are your parents orphans, too? Do you raise the same types they do?" She finished. Another one raised her hand.

"What about having an orphan character?" Lolita thought. "Hmm... I actually like this idea. What I don't like is the 'boo-hoo, I am a orphan, no one loves me', bull. I would love to see a story about a human raised by a pack of pokemon when their parents are killed." She stopped. '_Actually, note to self; WRITE THAT DOWN. (My idea_!)'

She began to talk again. "Anyway... another good idea is to only kill off one parent. How is the family getting along? Is everyone still grieving? Stuff like that. Really, with almost every one of these ideas, you just have to be CAREFUL. And a good writer." One other kid raised his hand.

"Um, I have a question. What about age?" Lolita nodded. "Okay, this I kinda understand. You're fifteen, you don't wanna write about ten year olds. And I get that.

But at least have an explanation. Like that too many trainers got killed from pokemon attacking them, since they bothered it, having no common sense. Most of the ten-year-olds I know would be _way_ too immature to start a pokemon journey.

It entails a lot; survival skill, knowledge, and maturity which most ten-year-olds lack. Even then, there are some exceptions to the rule; there are always exceptions. But like I said, give a good explanation for thirteen year old trainers. And make everyone start at thirteen. Not just your OT." She nodded.

"Okay, so what about how many trainers to have?" She thought. "Well, you only have to WRITE about one, but make him/her interact with other trainers. Your pokemon need to train, too. And it'd be pointless to have expensive gyms and pokemon centers up and running with only five or so trainers."

She saw no raised hands, and said, "Okay, now for a few of my own. For starters, well... starters. Or starter pokemon. I covered this briefly, but I want to go into more detail. I can attest as an example; Luna had Azrael, and he was a Houndour.

I like the idea of not using a canon starter.

It just has to be something that evolves. Like... Ralts! If you do a Hoenn fanfic, you can use Ralts! I like them, obviously, and they evolve twice, making them a legit starter.

Another good one for Kanto might be Nidoran, male or female. They evolve once without a stone, and the stone they evolve with is found early on. But, I repeat;

_**DO NOT EVER, EVER USE PIKACHU.**_

I like Raichu, a lot. But don't catch a Pikachu as your starter. Ever. It's already been done, people. Anyway, for Johto, you could use Sentret, or maybe Togepi. It does evolve into Togetic, and then Togekiss. And on that note, no, for things like that, it's okay if you use evs that weren't around when the game was created.

They're there now, right? Which brings me to my next point; Video Game Levels.

Okay, we all know pokemon gain experience by leveling up. It's a basic tenet of the game. But in the anime, pokemon aren't show really gaining experience, just defeating enemies.

So my suggestion is, when playing the game, notice when your pokemon level up. Have them level up around the same time in your fic. If your Ralts evolved into a Kirlia when you fought Brawly, do the same in your fic."

She thought for a minute. "Okay, now... ooh! What about OTs who get sucked into their DS or TV? Well... I think, if handled carefully, this can be done well. But not just random falling-into-tv thing.

I wrote a fic awhile ago that had my character commit suicide. When she died, she ended up in the pokemon world.

With all the pokemon she'd trained. I recommend that idea. (PS. Spoiler alert; that story is working on publishing status! –shameless plug-)

And think about it. You would amaze the canon characters. So bring an ipod, computer, and things like that, somehow. Because I'd pay good money to see the look on Ash and Gary's faces when they saw the ShiShi fics."

She giggled. "Oh, and your pokemon that you've trained; wouldn't you love to be able to interact with them? You might have to explain a bit to them, though." Everyone was scribbling away intently. "Okay, any more questions?"

One girl raised her hand. "What about siblings? You didn't really say much..."

"Hmm." Lolita thought. "Welp, I think that twins on an adventure might be cool. But other than that, I don't know. Maybe a trainer living in the shadow of their superb older sister/brother." She coughed.

"Oh, one more thing; a good way to spice up your fic? _Kill someone."_

She laughed. Everyone inched away. "My sister was right. She really is crazy." One boy whispered.

"I mean it. It lets you explore the human side of your character more, or if you wish, the sociopathic side of your character. I had Luna slaughter an entire village of Poke-Christians. She didn't feel any remorse, as she felt justified.

So, if that's the case, I think it might be an interesting example of human nature, good or bad."

One boy raised his hand. "What about OT romance?"

Lolita shrugged. "Up to you. But don't make it the main focus of the story. If you're writing a journey, make it a side thing. Like, 'We stick together because we love each other', or something. That's kinda up to you."

The bell suddenly rang. "Well, that's it for now! Attend the next seminar. I know where you sleep." Lolita threw a smoke pellet, and ran away on the Rapidash. As they ran out, and the smoke alarm sounded, they heard, "HA! I ESCAPED THIS TIME!"


	3. Sweet Jeebus, there's more of them!

(Sweet holy lord, I didn't expect so many people to like this. I've got another chapter after this one full of questions! Keep sendin' them in, peoples! Disclaimer: I don't own pokemon. Or South Park. Hi crazies!)

The teens opened the door to the house. This was the home of the now-infamous Lolita. Her house, on the edge of Snowpoint, was relatively normal. If you discount the red snow on the ground, the Halloween decorations, and the _hopefully _wax body nailed to a rocking chair. But that was all in the backyard, so it didn't count. Or something.

One of the braver ones banged on the door. The Lolita herself answered. "Oh, hey! You must be that class Rowan sent, right? Come on in!" They followed her in. It was actually quite pretty. There was a fire going, big, overstuffed velvet couches were covered in sketchbooks, and pokemon bounded through the house.

"Right, this is my first home class. I'm getting pretty popular. Right, so; let's start with a big part of pokemon fanfiction; canon characters.

You know, I like the canon characters. Most of them, anyway.

Gym Leaders are obvious. Keep 'em. You don't need all new gym leaders in a canon region.

As for tagging along with canon characters, well..."

She sipped a cup of coffee, and thought.

"Well, I think that a less-used character might be okay. Like Harley. Because I adore him. Not Ash, though. You can meet up with canon characters like Ash, but don't hang with them. It's evil." They all nodded. "Or you can just write a few more OTs, and use them. Now..."

She picked up a notebook. "Damnit! ZERO! QUIT USING MY BOOKS AS CHEW TOYS!" The teens heard an indignant woof from somewhere.

"I swear... anyway, Absols. I adore, love, and pretty much friggin WORSHIP Absols. Their data lists them as Disaster pokemon, which is discriminatory against dark pokemon, you _assholes_, but...

It does provide framework for quite a few fics.

And I think you could do two opposing points of view.

Like one who wants the humans to suffer, and refuses to warn them of danger,

And another that wants humans to live, and warns them.

Personally, I'm for the former, but, eh. Absol are very powerful pokemon, and very interesting as well. Just be nice, or Merope and Nharen will eat you."

Two Absol looked up from the fireplace hearth.

"Right. Anyway..." A girl interrupted her. "Um, ma'am, I'm a big Drew fan... and I was wondering if you could use canon characters as love interests?"

Lolita shrugged.

"Personally, I'm okay with it. I mean, not for Ash, Brock, or any other main characters, but Drew's okay. Just be careful not to get eaten by contest shippers. (I support this fully. --')"

The girl nodded. "You're names Lyra, right?" She nodded. "Okay, good. Any more questions?"

A boy named Patrick raised his hand. "Um, Loli? What about battles? Can OTs beat canon characters?" She nodded. "As long as it's legit. Like if you send a Tyranitar against Ash's Pikachu. Or a Manetric against Misty's pokemon. Make sure you've been training for a long time before you do this. Because they have been around for awhile."

She sighed. "Hmm... oh, I know! Our next subject; pokemorphs!

I really like pokemorphs, but I don't see too many. Dinah's a pokemorph, and I figured we should cover this. For starters, any specific questions?" A girl with green Rayquaza patterned hair raised a hand. "Yes, can a pokemorph change into it's pokemon?" Lolita thought. "...I really don't know. I think it's a really good idea. Maybe by 'willing' the DNA of the pokemon to override the human DNA, it's possible. And for changing back, override the pokemon DNA. It might require training from an older pokemorph."

The girl nodded, and asked another question. "Should pokemorphs be able to use pokemon moves?" Lolita's face lit up. "_Brilliant." _She wrote it down. "Yes, yes, and yes, go out and write a story like it, it's an amazing concept!" She continued to ramble, until an Umbreon whacked her over the head with his tail. "Ow, Cicero!" She straightened. "Righto, then. Um... pokemorphs are, obviously pokemon. And they'll wanna be trainers. So what do we do?" A girl with blue hair asked. Lolita thought. "I think that most people might be prejudiced or scared of that fact. But write it anyway. And write in other people's reactions. Trainer's pokemon, too."

The girl nodded. "Oh, and what about talking pokemon? Like the Rocket's Meowth."

Lolita thought. "Huh. I think it's possible. If a trainer teaches them. And not overnight, either. It would be cool to write about the Trainer getting frustrated about it."

She looked around. "Any more questions?"

One boy raised his hand. "I know you talked about human deaths, but what about pokemon deaths?"

Loli sighed. "Um, maybe... try a few chapters of grieving. Then go to revenge. Massacres are always fun! Seriously, your trainer's gonna be frigging sad, right? Or did the trainer kill him/her themselves?"

She looked down and wrote something.

"Right. So, you'll all be back tomorrow?"

They all nodded. "Great, since I didn't cover everything. It's getting dark, so go home, and meet me back here tomorrow, okay?" The kids nodded, heading out the door. Just before they ran home, Lolita yelled, "WATCH OUT FOR REGIGIGAS!" They turned around. The Legendary in question was destroying the Snowpoint temple. Ignoring the screams of terror, Lolita turned around, and turned on the tv. "Screw you people. South Park's on."


	4. Spiders Are Evil

(Alright, this thing is officially a monster. Wow. Keep sending questions, people; you think of points to a story I never consider! Cool. Okay, um, I don't own pokemon. But the nice nail gun in the story is mine, which probably wasn't a good idea.)

Lolita chewed on her pencil. Some new kids were coming today.

The old ones had apparently been killed by Regigigas, and she figured she might as well feel guilty, but the South Park episode _**HAD**_ been 'Cartman gets an Anal Probe', so she wouldn't have done anything anyway.

She heard a banging on the door. "Come in!" A group of teens, every one of them terrified looking, inched in. "Hey, I'm Lolita. Wanna cookie?" They looked uncertain.

"I didn't poison them, I swear. I bribed Harley for them."

They sat and ate, as Lolita stood up. "Okay. You're my new group. Please don't die on me; the last one did, and it _was not_ pretty. Anyway, Mary-Sues. They are evil. And I am going to teach you how to avoid them."

She took a breath.

"For starters, I didn't go into a lot of detail about eye and hair colors to avoid. First, never make your hair to your feet. You'd trip so many times, it's not frigging funny.

Next, don't do a _too_ complicated hairstyle. A bit is okay, but not fifteen spikes. Those need gel, which you can't have. Hair colors themselves you shouldn't have are:

Full-on pink, or any other non human color. Highlights of pink, purple, blue, and any other color are fine, and make your OT much better and more realistic.

Actually, any color or two, or even three, is fine, but no more than that. You should basically monitor how much time you spend commentating on your OT's appearance.

A bit is fine, but over two paragraphs is SUE-NESS. Eyes can be any regular color, and if your character is an albino, they must be red or blue. No exceptions.

And one eye differently colored than the other is okay; just not blue and green, mostly. Some exceptions, but maybe black and green? I think that'd be cool. Alright, now..." She flipped through her notebook.

"Oh, more questions on starters! Which are overused... and pokemon in general..."

She stood up.

"Well, for starters, Pikachu. My god, I hate that _**goddamn**__** yellow rat**_.

Oh, and... Charmander. I love, love, LOVE Charmander, but if you do have one, give them a very good nickname. Not anything fiery. And pokemon that are just goddamn over used.

The number one is obviously Eevee, but I love the little fox, so just give a legitimate reason you have Eevee, okay? Are your parents rich? Did you get it from Bill?

Try not to 'find them in the wild,' because the only place where that's possible is Sinnoh.

Any sort of 'cute' pokemon, e.g., Marill, Skitty, Totodile, and anything else cute and fuzzy.

Any type of dragon. (Really, it's just because they are 'OMGz soooo pwrfl!!111!)

Some pokemon I'd love to see on a team; Tyranitar, Skarmory, Raichu, Scyther/Scizor, Gengar, Arcanine, Umbreon,

(They're Eevee evs, but I NEVER SEE THEM. WTF? I love Umbreon, but everyone just keeps their Eevee an Eevee, or turns it into Vaporeon or Espeon, godamnit!),

Gyrados, Raticate, Mightyena, Crobat, (it IS a friend ev.), and the list goes on and on.

_**The only pokemon that exist are not just the cute ones.**_

And any Legendary, especially Mew, is overused.

Can you have them travel with you? Yeah. (see below.)

Can they fight for you?

Only with other Legendaries.

Regular pokemon often believe fighting a Legendary is sacrilege.

And Mew doesn't fight, period.

And Mewtwo would probably go batshit and try to kill you.

And Suicune, Raikou and Entei are too fast to keep in a pokeball for very long.

And Celebi can just travel through time.

And Lugia would just f-ing kill you. Same with Ho-Oh.

And Articuno, Moltres, and Zapdos _**CANNOT BE ON THE SAME TEAM.**_

They tried to _**KILL**_ each other, people.

I don't see many others, so these are the ones I'll mention.

If they go with your OT as a guide/friend/mentor, okay.

Which brings me to this; can you have a Legendary looking over you? My answer would be yes. I actually like the idea of all of the Legendaries getting together in some sort of Council, to judge worthy Trainers."

She looked around. "Questions?"

One girl raised her hand. "What about magic pendants? Too Sue-ish?"

Lolita shrugged.

"Well... cursed pendant that kills the user if they don't solve the puzzle; cool.

One that gives you about every power the author can think of at the time; not cool.

See, maybe do something with a riddle hidden in the gem.

Or just do something else.

Jewelry's sexist, as 'every girl would want a magic pendant' is bullshit."

They nodded, and scribbled this down. She was a good teacher. Even if her students kept dying or being put into asylums.

Hey, some survived and were declared 'sane', right?

"Okay, now... what about Japanese names, if your character is a real-world from Japan?" One boy asked. Lolita nodded.

"Well, duh. If your character's from Japan, give them a Japanese name. If they're from France, give them a French name. And so on. If they're a normal pokemon world trainer, then refer to my first seminar. And names from different countries are fine, if they're from that country/ have parents interested in culture."

She looked around. "Anyone?"

A girl raised her hand.

"Yes, um... what about it's Mary-Suish if your OT is a bit of a klutz? Like, they trip over nothing, they stumble every once in a while..."

Lolita blushed. "Um, yeah. I do this all the time. I fall up stairs, too. So, no, it's okay... in small doses. Not 'OMG I just tripped and fell into Ash OMGz!11!" Then I'd sic Azrael on you."

A Houndoom on the couch rolled his eyes.

"And are there any personality traits to stay away from? Like, 'girly-girl', 'tomboy', and so on?"  
Lolita nodded.

"Yeah. Those are good examples. Every person has many different sides to them. They don't all fall into categories; they have interests not defined by stereotypes produced by describing your characters only as something like that."

The class was silent. That was the most deep, inspirational thing she'd said all class.

A male voice sounded, "_You're only saying that because you need an excuse to like Fall Out Boy_!" Lolita stood up. "Please excuse me for a moment; that would be Aiden."

She stormed off, and soon enough, screaming, crashing, and a nail gun being used was heard.

When Lolita came back, the closet was nailed shut, and an empty box labeled, 'SPIDERS" was empty. "...Um... Lolita, is it too Sueish to have a character hospitalized by a pokemon attack?"

Lolita shook her head.

"Nah, as long as it's not Beedrill, Spearow, Pidgey, or other stereotypical pokemon. Never see herds of Butterfree attempting to kill people in fics, right? Not fair!"

Lolita continued, "Oh, and on the topic of looks, again, your character's all right if they look like you a bit, but not totally. Hair color, eye color, height, and a bit of personality are good things to change."

"Miss Lolita?" One of the younger ones raised her hand. "Um, what about pairing with a major canon character?"

Seeing Lolita's eye twitch, she added, "Not Ash! Like, maybe James?"

The girl relaxed. "Oh. Yeah... I guess... he's cool. Just. Not. Ash. EVER."

They decided to let it be; she looked ready to shove them in the closet with that boy.

"Seriously, it's okay, as long as you don't try to 'convert' him from... well, _trying_, really, to be evil. Keep him in character."

"What about reviewer's OTs? Can you use them?" A boy asked. Lolita shrugged, and said, "I guess. If it's the basis of your story, okay.

Ideas, mostly, for a trainer. Like someone suggesting using a pokemorph OT that knows pokemon moves. Really, take suggestions, sure, but I'm not too sure about total trainers, unless the reviewer agrees."

A boy raised his hand. "Um, Lolita? What about TMs and HMs?"

The girl thought.

"For stuff that's pretty much game-exclusive, I say this; when in doubt, turn to the_** game**_. Check and see if the TM you're teaching is a possible move for the pokemon. And have them buy it, or get it from a Gym Leader. Not find it on the ground."

One girl with blonde hair raised her hand. "What about chapter length? Long or moderate, or short, to the point, and suspenseful?"

Lolita shrugged, and said, "It depends on what you're trying to write. If it's a horror story, and there's a perfect cliffhanger five paragraphs in, don't ruin it.

Just publish two chapters at once. Long or moderate is okay, so as long as something good is happening. Not a two-chapter trek through Ilex forest." She turned away, and glanced at the closet. "Damnit, I forgot whether or not those were poisonous ones."

"And what about items in your bag?" Lolita turned around, and grinned. "Shut. Up."

The girl blinked. "But—" Lolita laughed. "No, I mean when you're writing. The bag most trainers carry could not fit all the crap you'd need for what might be a five-year journey. So don't say anything about it.

It's not Sue-ish, really. It's just being logical. The basic OT did not receive survival skill training, and therefore, would have no clue as to surviving.

If you feel you must, put a collapsible tent, some water, and lots, and lots, and lots, of money. That way, you can buy food whenever you're in a town.

And items for your pokemon are imperative.

Maybe carry a separate bag? If you have a pokemon that might want to handle that, okay, but make sure to take it off before they fight." They all nodded.

"Okay, this was one more lesson on Sue-killing! However, if you do come across a Sue in real life, do not attempt these tips. Just flamethrower it into oblivion."

They all nodded. "Right, class dismissed. Stay alive, okay? I need to keep a class for more than one day!"

They nodded, waved, and left. Lolita watched them. "They're good kids. Hope they don't get killed on the way home."

She turned to the nailed-shut closet.

"Well, on one hand, someone important to me could die. On the other—"

She was interrupted by the theme song of 'South Park'. "Oh my god, screw that! This is the Timmy 2000 episode!"


	5. Well, lotta romance questions!

(Okay, I don't own pokemon. Or much but my clothes, shoes, and stuffed crap. Keep sending questions, but I think we're almost done, unless I get a few more good ones. It's not complete just yet, people!)

Lolita checked off a list. "Wow. Three days, and this class hasn't died. Damn, that's a record, right, Zero?" The Growlithe woofed.

"Yup. Oh, they're here!" She opened the door. "'Allo, brats. Come in, come in." They walked in, and sat down on the living room floor, as usual.

"So... part, like, six! Okay, let's start right in. OTs are people.

Duh. So, intelligence and skill is a factor. For starters, balance it out. If your character is good at strategy, make them lacking in the power department. And vice versa.

For everything, just make sure that they don't succeed in everything that they do. I like to balance it out by maybe doing opposites. Like good at writing/bad at math. And for physical skills, just make them human. Like, not 'faster than a Rapidash.' Or stronger than a Machamp.

It doesn't make sense. As I've said before, this is why they've got pokemon; pokemon are supposed to be the more powerful ones. But a bit of athletic skill/ intelligence is necessary, but above all, make the gift of whatever believable."

She looked around. One of the boys, Will, raised his hand. "Okay, what about relations? Is it okay for your OT to be related to a bad guy?" Lolita sat. "Hmm... yeah, and related to anyone, really, except...

(Guess. Really.) Ash. I have Dinah as Giovanni's kid. Make them have a good reaction to their parentage. For example, Dinah fuckin' hates Giovanni because she believes he essentially killed her pokemon. Oh, and he experimented on her for thirteen years, that too.

So... Are they proud? Angry? Uber-Emo? (A/N: and not the good kind, like Drop Dead, Gorgeous. Like teh evil Emos.) Seriously.

And if their parent is a so-called good guy, make it legit; and also, please, please, PLEASE, don't use any of the 'heroes' from the series. Or Lance. Basically, being related to those people in general is Mary-sueish.

And being related to more than one, unless they were related in canon, (i.e, May and Max), is SUE to the max. You cannot make family lines appear out of nowhere. Speaking of family and bad guys, I have yet to see a story told from the POV of one of Jessie's sisters.

Love to see it, people. Let's go, already. It's been TEN YEARS." She flipped to a page in her notebook. "Now... oh, can you have an OT join Team Rocket to be near James, but it turns out that he liked her, and was too shy to say it..."

She put it down, eye twitched. "Oh Jesus, my head. That was twisty. Right, from what I gathered... No, it's not Sue-ish. Just have her beat the crap outta him when she finds out he liked her, but was too much of a retard to tell her."

She sighed. "Okay..." One girl raised her hand. "What about detailed backgrounds?" Lolita blinked. "Well, duh. Your OT didn't appear out of nowhere, right? So give a good, legit, lengthy as you like background. Just be careful. Don't make it so your character sounds like an 'oh-poor me, my parents were horrible.'

An abusive background is often best revealed in flashbacks." They nodded. A boy named Ryan raised his hand. "What about your OC wanting to be something other than a Pokemon master or a Coordinator?" Lolita gasped.

"Oh, love it! Yeah, go right ahead. It's a really original idea, and one I don't see much. It's odd, too. Love to see a story about, say, a breeder, or especially a Gym leader. That'd be fun!" He nodded.

"Alright, a quick explanation. Powers seem to be an area around which everyone steps about lightly. _**People**_. The ability to talk to pokemon is _FINE. __**FINE**_ Or if you're still uncertain, make a sort of 'Translator' device. Or teach your pokemon English. Really, one or two powers are okay. It's when it gets to be about every power imaginable that it becomes tedious. Be creative and create your own powers. Just don't go all out of the canon."

One boy raised his hand. "Is it okay if your OT is oblivious to someone crushing on them?" Lolita nodded.

"Uh-huh. Just not if every guy/girl in the story is crushing on them, and they fake obliviousness to get them to think they're all cute and innocent. If they're really and truly oblivious, it's actually funny. And also be careful of how many compromising situations you put them in. One or twice is funny; after that, get them to realize it already!"

The boy nodded. "And on that note, what about having a past with a character like Tracey, or Ritchie, and then getting together?" Lolita shrugged. "Eh... I'm not too sure. Just be careful on this one, and don't make it a stupid Disney magical meeting of teh DESTINY."

Lolita nodded empathically. "Okay... what about bad guys? Can you create your own, or stick to the canon?" A girl asked. Lolita shrugged.

"Hmm... if you're in a canon region, stick with the canon foes. But if you create your own region, go ahead. I have Regigigas as my primo bad dude.

Because for some reason, I really hate him.

And if you've got a really good idea for a rival crime group, go ahead. Just make them believable. And this is your chance to make the story all good and gorey. Seriously, the bad guys don't have to be all cliché, 'we're gonna steal all your pokemon MUAHAHA!" They could be killers. You know, it doesn't have to be a kid's game anymore."

She sighed. "Right then. It's late, and your parents are all probably worried. Go home; I'll see you all tomorrow, okay?" They nodded. "Bye, Lolita!" She watched them go. "Huh. Good." She turned around, and began to type. "With all this teaching, I haven't been writing."


	6. Profane, indeed!

(I did get called out of retirement! Should I leave this open, or complete? Any more questions? Because if not, I'm closing this. I don't own pokemon. Leave me alone!)

Lolita sighed. "Wow, I didn't think I'd be teaching any more of these." Merope nodded. "But whatever. I love scaring children." The class knocked on the door. "COME IN!!" Lolita yelled over Placebo playing. _Very loudly_.

The kids rushed in. "Hello! Alright, Rowan dragged me out of retirement, the old coot. So, Mary-Sue avoidance. Ya want it down to a science.

Let's start with something interesting; just what the hell do pokemon do while they're in a pokeball? If you make a pokeball world, and you want to give them a roommate, that's pretty cool. Just give an explanation, like that pokeballs have WiFi. Again, be careful with canon characters. Make sure you know them in real life, and never—"

"Use Ash." The group chorused. Loli blinked. "Jeez. Wow, I'm famous." She nodded. "Right. And if you want to do something like Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends... cool! I love that show. Proving that even though I'm a teenager, I really am fuckin' immature. It is a very good idea."

She looked up. "Okay. Questions?" One girl raised her hand. "If your OT has a fake tail, is that okay?" Lolita shrugged.

"Meh. It's okay, but I advise writing a scene where it falls off at a key moment. Like in the middle of a battle with their rival, or something." One boy raised his hand.

"If someone wears goth clothing, but they're not goth, is it okay if they just like the style?" Lolita popped her gum.

"As the resident queer freak, I can say this; if your character dresses as goth, fine. Mine do. Just add a few references. Like, they don't have to consider themselves goth; maybe they just don't like labels. Which I understand. But make sure they have a few darker interests. Like, in music; The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bauhaus, The Cruxshadows, and Nightwish, or other things along those lines." As she spoke, each of the band's songs played.

Another girl with bright purple hair raised her hand. "What about if your character forgets names, and keeps naming pokemon after other pokemon in the story?" Lolita shrugged.

"Okay, but have someone correct them. Maybe the pokemon themselves. Might be very funny, just in moderation." The girl nodded. "Okay, nicknames." She muttered angrily. "They just won't DIE."

She turned around. "Right! So, for instance, if your Marshtomp is named Driftwood, and your Monferno is Torchwood, it's... alright, but make sure they have very different personalities. And on that note, nicknames with two nouns are okay, but be careful. Nightcloud, maybe. Moonbeam, NO."

"What about reviews?" One girl asked. "Can you do one review, or no chapter sort of thing?" Lolita nodded. "As long as you keep that sort of thing to a minimum. No more than four reviews, or no chapter." She twirled her hair around her finger. "Okay. We've covered a lot, but there's one thing I didn't cover in a lot of detail; the difference between a good plot, or a bad one."

She sat down. "We all know most fics start with the trainer getting the pokemon they've always wanted, then they go on a grand and mystical _adventah_." She rolled her eyes.

"Stop this, already. Jeebus." She went on. "A not-canon starter is fine. But if you want a canon starter, don't make choosing it so overwrought and cliché.

Like, you get the last pokemon, which happens to be PTSD afflicted from being caught. No Legendaries. And don't breeze in, beat the Gym Leader, and then walk out. Have a few Gym Trainers, unless it's like Jasmine, who had none. I've done this before, but pretty much only in Aeroh, which I made up.

Canons usually have Gym Trainers. And if you're in Kanto, a good idea is to use that famous RBY Mew glitch. Maybe your OT sees Mew. And, for your rival, they have to be human. Not some sneering, bratty, trainwreck of a villain.

Maybe they're just competitive. Don't make one be Teh EEEEVIL, and the other Mother-fuckin'-_Teresa_."

They noted this, and also, "_Authoress uses a lot of profanity." _ She saw this, and nodded. "Yes, I certainly do." She continued, "As for your respective Evil Organizations, make it interesting. Not 'OMG one kid brought us all down!!!11!!"

_**People.**_ Come on. They are an evil fucking organization. At least kill the boss, and blow the headquarters up, will ya?" She sighed.

"Okay. And, finally, at least have a FEW pokemon evolve. A FEW. Not all of them, but you CANNOT beat the Elite Four with a goddamn Eevee. WTF?" She tapped her fingers on the coffee table. "Alright, class dismissed. See ya later." They all nodded, and rushed outside to the snow.

Lolita herself rolled over. "I'm going back to sleep. Screw you all."


	7. Don't be Hatin!

(More chapters, gimme more questions! I don't own pokemon... damnit.)

"Hel-_lo_! Trying to _sleep_ here!" Lolita screeched. A boy of about fourteen popped his head over the sofa. "Dear heart, that's the class." She rolled her eyes.

"Ah, sonofabitch. Right, let them in." And with that, she rolled over. The boy sighed, and did as the girl had asked. A small group of teens edged in. "Oh, good morning. I'm Lolita."

No one, not even the boy, dared tell her it was five in the afternoon. They'd seen what had happened with the classes she didn't like. And the boy himself was still traumatized from the spiders.

"Right, you're here to be Sue killers. So. Let me start with something I've covered before. Names. A name need only a first, and a last. No middle, no second last name; unless their parents are divorced. If they are, then that's okay. But names like Josie Alexandria Margot Queenie Bo Beeny Ravenwing Moonbeam Rose are not."

She took a breath. "Like that. Or names after a food. Like Choco or Ichigo. Unless you're writing a Tokyo Mew Mew fic, it's not normal; rather Sue-ish. Any way... I did mention Eevee teams.

And if you beat the Elite Four with a team of Eevee _**EVOLUTIONS**_, it is fine. Eevee has seven types, respectively, so they would win. Actually, I have to try that in my game.

Just give a good explanation as to why your trainer, above everyone else, had acquired a team of Eevee, and trained them all to levels 60 and over."

She nodded, and stroked a Vaporeon on the couch. One girl raised her hand. "Is it okay if your OT's rival really is psycho and evil?" Loli shrugged.

"Yeah, sure. But don't make them an old friend that suddenly turned TEH EVIL from TEH TRAUMA, and _do_ attempt to make them really evil. Like a murdering, sociopathic fuck. Anyone else?" The girl raised her hand again.

"What if your OT is the psycho? Like, mental asylum crazy?" Lolita nodded. "Oh, fine, totally. Ever play _American McGee's Alice?" _They shook their heads.

"It's a game where you play a girl who's gone insane, and has to save a fucked up Wonderland. She gets to blow people up, and stab them to death. It pwns." She explained. They all nodded slowly, like you would to a street preacher's sermon.

"What about chatroom fics?" One boy asked. "Can they have typos?" Lolita's eye twitched. "First off, NEVER FUCKING WRITE A FUCKING CHATROOM FIC. It's fucking unoriginal, I HATE, HATE, HATE CHATROOM FICS!!" The kids all inched away, terrified for their lives.

Lolita pushed her glasses back. "But, yes, if you write one of those inane fics, fine. So be it. A FEW typos are fine. Not too many. It's still a fic."

One girl raised her hand tentatively.

"Um, what about using manga characters? Like Leaf or Emerald?" Lolita nodded. "Go right ahead, if you've got all of their pokemon accurate, nickname-wise and such. And on that subject, other anime characters are fine, even if it's not a real crossover, as long as there's an explanation. Which I cannot stretch enough: MOST THINGS ARE FINE, AS LONG AS THERE IS AN EXPLANATION."

A green-haired girl raised her hand. "Um, what about third-person speaking characters? Is it okay if they make a gradual change from third to first person?"

Lolita laughed.

"Go ahead. Third person is hysterical. Okay, now, for Teh Mysteriouses Pasts. If they have a story arc centered around them, more power to you. It's cool. But again, in moderation. And give an explanation! It rhymes! Moderation, in explanation... oh, yeah ooohhhh..."

As the teens ran from the house, she was attempting to rap about this. Before they caught the boat, they heard, "FOR THE LOVE OF _CHRIST_, YOU DON'T EVEN _LIKE_ RAP!!"


	8. Fuck Titles, I can't think of ONE!

(I don't own pokemon; new chapter. If you like Opal's story, let me know, I'll teach this shit that way.)

Lolita was dancing around her house to the RENT soundtrack. As the teens headed in, they heard a lament. "WHY CAN'T I BE MIMI?!" Everyone sighed.

One of the kids yelled, "LOLITA! We're here for the class!" She looked down. "Yes, of course. Come on." They followed her to her room this time. "Oh, my god." The room was black. Shrunken heads were scattered aimlessly around the desk. Wax candles dripped on them.

"Right, just watch out for the spiky stuff. It hurts to sit on." They nodded, found the place without random shit on top of it, and sat. "Okay, Sue-ness! Let us start with names. Again. Food's a no-no, in most cases, but what about gems?

Well, since about half of the manga characters are named after gems, I say... okay. But again, moderation. Like nothing such as Ruby Silverstorm Shimmerwing. Or something. If you use a gem, try something like Emerald Pashal. Or Diamond McArgen." One girl waved a hand.

"What about original names? Like Sodapop, from the Outsiders?" Lolita cracked a piece of gum. "I loved that book, so I say okay. But make it a nickname. Like Soda's. They never referred to him having another name, but he did. So just mention it once in the beginning, explain they never use it, and leave it at that."

The girl nodded. "And last names?" Lolita sighed. "Godamnit. Lemme think; Moonbeam, Starshine, or anything having to do with an element, magical object, or a plant. Especially two-syllable names. Try something like Maylene Gray, Isis Louvre, or Deidre Uslin."

One boy raised his hand. "What about naming your pokemon after food?" Lolita sighed. "My pokemon have names like Amaranth, Roisin, and Siouxsie. But I understand using a food. So go ahead. Just don't use something like Spaghetti. Like, maybe Chococat for a gentle Persian. If such a thing_ exists_." (A/N: Hello Kitty pwns you all.)

Another girl piped up, "What if your pokemon automatically likes you? Too Sue-ish?" Lolita nodded. "Certainly! Your pokemon first loving you is Sue-ish and lazy; pokemon form bonds with their trainers with time, care, and a bit of travel." The girl continued.

"Can you base it off the game?" Lolita thought. "Um, since you don't really have a set party lineup, and Carbos and such are probably too expensive, no. But try SOME pokemon game tactics. Like Poffins or Pokeblocks."

She continued. "Now, for pokemon traits. Pokemon can have a few traits of their trainer; that might even be why the trainer likes them. But they can't be carbon copies. Please, give them a few conflicting interests. Whatever you wish. Pokemon are independent beings. And if they are with you for a very long time, and develop your traits, okay."

One boy raised his hand. "And what about falling into your game? Too cliche?" Lolita shrugged. "I have a story like that up. But it must be balanced. Not like, 'OT was changing the batteries, and then suddenly appeared in the pokemon world, OMG!!" Lucy got shot in the head. Make them die, and not by car."

One girl asked, "What about if the Sue story is a bit well-written, and just the work of an inexperienced author?" Lolita nodded, and opened her notebook. "Ah. Well, I have an example of that."

_The Totally Straight-faced Sue Story_

_A parody by Lolita of the Damned_

_Opal Ketchum woke up one morning, looking at her beloved Mew. Mew had been her best friend for nine years, ever since she was a baby. Mew had given her a magical amulet that could help her talk to pokemon. And now her journey was about to begin! Placing her makeup, and everything else she owned into a teeny-weeny bag, she rushed out the door, Mew at her side. Her parents didn't want her to be a trainer; Ash was nowhere to be found, and her mean old aunt made her stay inside all day. Opal and Mew teleported to Pewter City where Ash was running the gym! Opal met up with her father, and with his help, became a great Pokemon _Mastah_. And all this was accomplished with one pokemon." _

Lolita sighed. "I'll point out the glaring defects; one, if Ash was in Pewter, he could've gotten his kid. Unless the kid was a bastard, in which case, Ash wouldn't really want them. And Mew isn't gonna show up at the age of one. And you wouldn't be able to process shit at the time, and would have no idea what was going on.

And with no training, you wouldn't even get through Viridian Forest. Bullshit. Next, the 'magical amulet' was not given any detail or plot line, except it helped her talk to pokemon. Making it this way is even more Sue-ish. Bad. And the bag thing."

The kids nodded. "Now, I want you to take that home, review it, and meet me back here tomorrow. Okay?" They nodded, and rushed out. Unfortunately, it was nighttime, meaning Regigigas was out again. He proceeded to eat the entire class. Lolita screeched. "GODDAMNIT! NOW I HAVE TO TEACH THAT _AGAIN!"_


	9. I'm listening to music,I refuse to think

(I'm back! Okay, as to why 'Gigas is evil... um, because, for some strange reason, I don't like him. Maybe because I never caught the Regis in RSE. And I had to do it special for him. Yup. But he is cool. Anyway, if you seriously have more questions, send them right in. I want to see stories improved because of my shit, dammit! I don't own pokemon. Shut the fuck up, you lawyer bastards.)

Lolita sighed, and watched her pokemon play. "Damnit, I have to teach this thing." She muttered. "Three classes dead, and yet they keeping _asking!"_ Her Espeon, Beladame, yawned.

"_If you kill them yourselves, it might solve this." _She murmured, licking a paw.Lolita shrugged.

"Two reasons. One, my chainsaw blade broke. Two, there's that pesky death penalty." Beladame nodded, as the kids rushed into the backyard. "Hey!" She yelled. "Sit over here, okay?!" They sat, realizing it was snowy and cold. They shivered, as their clothes made contact with the snow.

"Okay, so... Sues. OMG EVIL. Now, for something I despise, but must cover anyway; pokemon rangers. I hated that game. Very much. Fucking. MANAPHY. Took me FOREVER.

Anyway, some people need help with the plot, technology, etc..." She sighed. "Hmm. I really don't know much. I think... try following a bit of the game plot, for character things. The Go-rock squad doesn't have to be the villain; maybe Team Galactic, or Magma, or something. You don't have to set it in... what was it, Fiore? As for technology, try using that weird lightsaber-thingy as a transmitter of your thoughts.

Because, let's face it, you'd look like a total retard if you waved that thing in the air around a pokemon." She tapped her fingers on her shoes.

"Right. For partner pokemon, I suggest something other than Plusle or Minun. Maybe Skarmory, for travel purposes, and also, they pwn. And that always pissed me off. Screw Plusle, I wanted that damn Houndoom!" She ranted angrily, glasses slipping to the tip of her nose.

"Next, try to make a real problem arise; other than just grunt work. Boorriing. Like maybe Mew is being chased by Team Rocket, and you get sent on that mission. If you're new, do it with a more experienced Ranger, or if you've got nine ranks, you can go it alone." One girl with a Lugia hoodie waved her hand.

"Loli, what about having a Legendary stalk you? Or be a voice in your head?" Lolita clicked her tongue. "Wow. Good job... hang on a sec." She picked up the Espeon next to her, and set the Espeon on her lap, ignoring the hiss of dissent. "Shut it, Beladame. This is much warmer. Anyway, yeah, both ideas are good. Especially a Legendary stalking you.

I find that pretty funny. As for being a voice in your head, just... maybe make that why they were sent to an asylum. Because maybe Legendaries are feared, and..." The girl was obviously getting an idea for a story, and was writing something down.

"Anyway! So, to the effect of making a Mary-Sue parody... point it out. People won't recognize it unless you make it very cynical. For some, easy. Like me. And have them get their asses pwned." She rubbed her hands together, remembering the fiasco with the Sue. Dresden's coat still shimmered _fifteen _different colors.

She nodded. "And if you've invented one by accident, as to getting rid of it..." She thought. "Kill off a few of their Sue-mons. Grieving, death, and now no more Sue-mons! As for their hair, maybe have it be dye, and have it wash out in the river. Finally, just try to undo everything you've done as the story progresses. Like, if a character starts out sue-ish, and becomes less of one, that's okay, in a good writer's hands."

One girl with an Eevee on her lap raised her hand. "Um, I don't want to fight the Elite Four, or fight much, really. So is it okay if my pokemon don't evolve?" Lolita sighed, and nodded.

"Yup. But I don't know why you wouldn't want them to not evolve. Maybe a few? Like, maybe a stone evolution, something that doesn't require training." The girl nodded. "I just have one more question. What if your character looks a bit like someone, and has a few of their pokemon, like May? They'd have different personalities, too." Lolita thought.

"Uhm... Yeah, I guess... Make it good. Not like a carbon copy, but brown hair and blue eyes is fine. And different outfits are a must. And just don't do all the same pokemon. A few is okay, like Skitty and Squirtle, because, well...aw." She sniffed.

"Anyway, my next topic, cute pokemon. They're fine, but just don't have all baby pokemon, and not just because they're cute, please? Some cute pokemon to avoid, if you make them stereotypical, are:

_Vulpix, Eevee, Jigglypuff, Clefairy, Totodile, Pikachu, Skitty, Squirtle, Pachirisu, Buneary, Piplup, Chikorita, Mew, Espeon, Ninetales, and Dragonair_

"Now, you can use a few of these. But make them unconventional. Like, flat-out crazy, or maybe just short-tempered. Or bratty. And if you have a team of all of these, well...

Make a few evolve. Or catch another pokemon, and give a cutie to your little sister or brother. Or the professor, to give to some kid as a starter." Everyone nodded. A boy raised his hand with an air of self-consciousness.

"What about self-inserts in general?" Lolita thought. "We're in a fic where I am a self-insert. Come on. Okay, anyway, as long as you don't become SUPAH PRFCT OMGZ!11!!!! then it's okay. But just be careful. And don't seduce everyone in sight, please?" She nodded.

"As long as you follow these rules, and most of the other rules for a sue, you're okay. In this case, super-strong pokemon are okay, if the insert has been playing pokemon for a long time."

"Can a sue stalk you?" A boy asked. Lolita giggled. "Oh man, totally. Funny. Kill them while you're at it, won't you?" The boy just blinked. "Uh..."

She jumped right into another subject. "So! Making friends! Well, Ash makes friends with everyone he meets. I don't really recommend this. It makes it a bit tedious, and hard to choose people for your cell phone plan." She snorted, making the Espeon jump.

"It's okay if you make a few friends here and there, but not with everybody. Maybe a few kids your OT's age get busted out of their house, and come with you. Or two rival gangs of trainers. It's really up to you." She looked around.

"One last thing. What I'd like to see is a self-insert role in one of the video games. I might write this, but I figure it's a good idea. You already have a plot, your bad guys, and your own pokemon. And in this case, Legendaries catchable in-game can be caught, so everyone will shut up about the no-Legends rule. RBY Mew glitch, people. Missingno. _OPPORTUNITY FUCKING KNOCKING HERE_." She said, making the class start.

Then, her face softened, and she said, "Now go, okay? See you soon!" They nodded, and trudged out of the backyard. The heard a thunk, and a 'Damnit! So _close!" _from the yard.


	10. Shortness, just like Ed

(Yeah, it's short. Sorry. Does anyone have any more ideas? Don't own, just the fic.)

Lolita put her head in her hands. "I really did not want to write another one of these." She bitched to the Umbreon sitting next to her. He flicked his tail. "_Suck it up. Do you really want to see more Sue-stories?!" _The girl shuddered.

"Fuck no. Alright, let's go; the class is waiting indoors." They stepped inside, to where an incredibly nervous and twitchy group of writers stood. Lolita sighed. "Relax. The deaths were all accidental." It didn't help much.

"Okay. Sues. So, the first thing I want to cover is pure pokemon fics. OC is a pokemon, I mean. Being a Sue in this category is kinda hard to do, but... for starters, lose a fight once in awhile, just like with trainers. If they've got a naive personality, make it humorous. Like, 'Oh no, the monster won't hurt us; he just needs hugs!'

And a good sarcastic friend to balance them out is necessary. And if they're a band of wild pokemon, describe a trainer coming across them. Like, it'd be pretty surprising if you ran across a group of wild pokemon, how'd you feel?"

They nodded. A girl waved her hand. "Uh, what about accidental captures?" Lolita shrugged. She thought for a second, changed the song on her ipod, and then said, "Well, okay. But make it a regular catch. Not 'OMG I caught A shining MeW!1!11" She shuddered.

"If you use one in self-defense, cool. But the pokemon you caught is gonna be pissed. So explain that. How does the pokemon feel?" A boy with greenish-black hair asked, "What about an Eevee evolution team?" Lolita looked sheepishly at the fifty-odd Eevee evolutions milling about the house.

"Uh... okay, if you have ONE Eevee at the start, and then just breed that Eevee. And if you're in Sinnoh, use the Trophy Garden. That could work. But make is a very difficult effort to get SIX GODDAMN EEVEES.

By the way, don't forget; save your money to get stones for Vaporeon, Flareon, and Jolteon. And if you choose to use Leafeon/Glaceon, make sure you travel to the appropriate area. If you're not in Sinnoh, think of another place. Like, make up a new stone. Seriously, you got a better idea?" She popped a piece of gum.

"Oh, and by the way... if you fight a gym leader with one pokemon you've trained obsessively, okay. Just make it type-advantage. Like, if it's Brock, but you picked Charmander, teach your Charmander Metal Claw." A girl raised her hand.

"Uh, what about being the grandkid of a professor? If you don't share their last name, or get super powerful pokemon..." Lolita nodded. "What the hell, why not. If it's Oak, however... I advise you to be careful. Gary... well, he's Oak's grandson. And family lines that just pop up out of nowhere are dangerous.

If you set it about fifteen years or so into the future, then it's not gonna matter, because s/he'll be old enough to go on a pokemon journey, and Oak may still_ just _be alive." A boy raised his hand.

"What about Legends like Mesprit? Ones that run?" Loli shrugged. "Whatever. Check the section on actual Legends being captured; it's pretty much the same. But remember, only one shot." She thought. "Okay, well... on canon... I forgot to mention this.

Unless it's a Legend that runs, play your game and figure out what pokemon are in which area. It may seem like common sense, but suethors with ambition or laziness, will stick an Espeon in Lavaridge. Or a Ninetales in Slateport. Yeah." She drummed her fingers on the desk. "Well, I think that's it for today. I'll see you all later!"

As they rushed out, she grumbled, "When I fucking feel like updating."


	11. Yes, I updated

(Finally updated! More questions can be sent in, this time I'll get to it quicker. Holidays, sorry. Merry Christmas, and stuff. Don't own.)

Lolita raised an eyebrow as she skimmed over the letters sent in. "Okay. Right." She turned to the group of scared teens in the corner. "Relax, people. Last ones died by ACCIDENT. Not my fault." She sighed.

"So, after a longass hiatus, I'm back to kill Sues. So, first question. Can league members switch around?" She shrugged.

"Well, I suppose. Koga did in GSC. So, yeah, if there's a reason, fine." She tapped a pen on her knees. "Next. What about six pokemon to a team; can there be more?" She chewed her lip in thought.

"I suppose... but only six POKEBALLS. Maybe something like; 'this pokemon follows me around; he's not an official member of my team, but he's my friend.' Something like that." She skimmed over the letter.

"Oh, and Kra says that if you authors don't stop making canon characters OOC, he's going to kill someone. And I agree. Drew is an arrogant bastard who flicks his hair. Try to make him somewhat like that. Stupid Grass Ass." She growled.

"Anyways, moving on. How many of you have written pokemon/human romances?" A few raised their hands. She nodded. "Right. I did too, so I figured to cover this. They're gaining popularity. So, Sue-ness in this category... hmmm... it follows the same rules as regular romance, really, and regular fics, except for one special rule; people's reaction. Are they accepting? Pissed? Confused? You could make a statement against intolerance as a whole with this; don't waste that opportunity."

She turned, and the authors noted the girl had a rainbow sticker attached to the back pocket of her jeans, and a pink triangle on the back of her shirt. They rolled their eyes. A girl in green raised her hand. "Um, what about villians? Like, ones that don't take a battle as a sign to go away?" Loli nodded.

"Excellent question. If they take a battle as a sign to run, portray them as buffoons. Real villains are a bit more... psychotic. Have one of them pull a gun on your OT, if they're someone like Giovanni. Or if they're someone closer to your OT's age, have them get into a fistfight." She filed her nails, as they scribbled this down.

"And rivals. No more Suevals, PLEASE. It's pissing me off. What happened to a rival that happened to just not travel with your character!?! WHAT, I ASK YOU!?" The authors inched back. "So, some tips. For one, follow game canon, if you wish. Opposing type starter chosen. And if you want, you can make them like Silver; FOR A BIT. Not always. Remember, Silver stopped being a bitch eventually, too." They nodded.

Lolita petted a Skitty that had hopped up on her lap. "Now, for Pokebots. You know, the random retardedly powerful pokemon... with the personality of a boil. Seriously. EACH AND EVERY POKEMON HAS A PERSONALITY." She waved to a few of her pokemon.

"For example; Vita is an alcoholic. My male Lopunny Frae is a crossdresser. My Vaporeon Deidre is a narcissist. They all have personalities. Pokemon are your FRIENDS. Not tools of war. They have feelings. Assholes." She grumbled angrily.

"Speaking of personalities, nicknames. If you don't like a pokemon's nickname, but it's already entered into the fic, fine. Cool. If you change it, use the Name Rater. If you can't get to him, well... try a distant cousin of the Name Rater. Or Nurse Joy; she might be able to do it. Anyhow, also try putting in how the POKEMON feels. What if someone changed your name? How would YOU feel?"

One boy raised his hand. "What if you had a Sue in the past, but they're better now?" Loli shrugged. "Eh. Fine, fine. At least you improved. Try to go back, and revise the chapters, if possible." She shuddered at the memory of one of her earlier works that SCREAMED Sue. "WHY, LUNA, WHY?!" She shrieked suddenly.

Everyone stared. "Um..." "I CREATED A SUE! WAAAAAAAAAH!" The Skitty on her lap rolled her eyes in exasperation. The authors bowed their head in a moment of silence.

She shoved her glasses up her nose. "Anyway, moving on! If your pokemon is... different, fine. Like a blind Raichu, or an anarchistic Meganium, it's actually really cool, and something I'd like to see. How do you interact with them? Is other's reactions varied? Well?"

She sighed. "Oh, and Gary-Stus. They're the same thing as Mary-Sues, only female. Follow the same guidelines, okay? No 'Hawt!' looks, no fifty girls clinging to his shoulder, no retardedly powerful pokemon." She nodded.

"Okay, and weapons. If your character carries a few weapons, fine. All right. But only one, since Pokemon CAN fight. Maybe your character is paranoid. I dunno. And make it concealable, and age-appropriate. Like, no ten year olds with guns, please."

"And, anyways. Explaining things in fics. If you can't have another character do it, like in dialogue, put it in Author's Notes. At the end of the chapter would be best, since interrupting storylines is NOT a good idea." She finished.

Night falling, the class was dismissed. The second she knew they were gone, she fell asleep. She was friggin' tired, and teaching a buncha brats didn't help.


	12. OMG! Another update!

(Yes, aware I haven't updated. I forgot about this fic... I promise it'll get updated soon next time! You're all the best for waiting! And I solemnly swear this WILL be updated within a week, if I get enough questions. Don't own...)

* * *

"I UPDATED!" The girl shrieked, dancing around the living room. "LOVE ME!" The writers in her presence inched away. "Ummm... anyways, let's start with the questions!" Loli flipped through her book of everything.

"Can you get a pokemorph as a starter..." She shook her head. "It depends. If it's a pokemon/pokemon hybrid, fine. A pokemon/human hybrid, no. Okay? A crossbred pokemon is okay, but using a humanoid pokemorph isn't, since they're not technically a pokemon... nor are they human... A conundrum. But don't do it."

A girl raised her hand. "What makes a Sue? Besides perfect pokemon, perfect battling skills, perfect coordinating skills, perfect pokeblock making skills, perfect breeder skills..." She trailed off. Lolita pushed herself up on the counter of the kitchen. Not a good idea to hold a lesson there, as there was quite a bit of sharp cutlery...

"Well, if everyone loves them, mostly, all-shiny team, and super-special destiny only THEY can fulfill... that's a Sue, all things considered. And if you write that in anything but parody, I applaud you; perfection in a human being is hard to capture." She sneered.

She nodded at another boy. "Do you think that in a human/pokemon romance, if the pokemon turns human or vice-versa, it's Sue-ish?" Loli sweatdropped. "Uh... I did this..." She put her head in her hands.

"Well, it depends on the person. If you have an excuse for making them human, okay. It's really up to the writer on this one; if they want to make an Umbreon human, go for it, likewise if they want to keep the Umbreon a pokemon, so be that. Word of caution; don't turn Mewtwo human, mostly because he's an icon as Mewtwo. And I don't think he'd be thrilled at being human..." She nodded for emphasis.

"What about if the OC is a Coordinator, or not a trainer at all?" One girl asked. Loli thought for a second. "Coordinator's the same principle as trainer; don't win all the time, no retardedly powerful pokemon, and all the other Sue-signs. And don't make them a stereotype; just because a girl is a Coordinator, they don't always have to be girly." She drummed her fingers absently.

"And if they're not a trainer at all, what do they do? Just a simple life with pokemon? I'd like to see how that's handled, as I don't see things like that often."

One boy piped up, "What about different new types?" Loli shrugged. "Stick to the principle; most types have something to do with the elements, or psychic/dark powers. So something in that category would be okay. For everything else, proceed with caution."

The boy continued, "And what if the protagonist and the antagonist travel together, but the protagonist doesn't suspect the antagonist is evil?" Loli nodded.

"That sounds really interesting, honestly. I'd like to see how well it could be hidden from the protagonist. Just one thing; how evil is this antagonist? Rival-evil, Cipher-or-TR-evil? Or just someone with a grudge? Act accordingly."

A girl raised her hand. "And what about magic pendants? If you have an explanation, and don't make the OC super-powerful, are they okay?" Lolita shrugged.

"I honestly can't say much on this subject; I've never handled a magic pendant in my fics, but that sounds pretty okay. Just make sure their powers are limited when the pendant is on. And what if the pendant is taken off? _Can _it be taken off? What happens if it is taken off?" She scribbled something down.

"Oh, and another thing; what can you do in the way of Colosseum/XD? Can you bring shadow pokemon into the main regions?" One girl asked. Loli shrugged.

"I think it's a good idea, but remember; few Shadow pokemon can be seen with the naked eye. So did they change that? Does your OC have that weird gear thing that let you see Shadow pokemon? Or does he/she have someone like Rui, who can see them without that weird gear?" She sighed.

"And if you remember that gear's name, bless you. Haven't played in ages..." She grumbled. She looked like she was going to get emo on everyone, but thankfully, an Espeon whacked her over the head with her tail.

"What about Cipher meeting Team Rocket?" One boy asked. Lolita thought. "Hmmm... I think it'd be a good idea; Giovanni wants Legends, Cipher wants money, and the two form an alliance. It might explain an influx of Shadow Pokemon in, say, Johto." The boy nodded.

"Oh, and is there anything you can do with crossovers that makes sense?" Lolita shook her head. "No, not really. Seriously, come on... Pokemon/Harry Potter. Or Harry Potter/Anything. DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. My own personal grudges aside, seriously... If it's something like a rewrite of RENT with Pokemon characters, cool. But not an actual crossover, with two series characters in one world. However, if you insist on this, how does everyone feel? How are the new characters surviving? Do they understand the culture? Are they trying to get back home?"

Another boy raised his hand. "How could you write a story about what happened to Pikachu if Ash died? Or any pokemon for that matter..." Loli clapped her hands happily.

"Ash dies!" She squealed in excitement, but remembered she had to answer the question. "Okay, anyway, reaction, reaction, reaction. Honestly, Pikachu, zombie that it is, would probably be like 'oh noez my master is gone! Eleven!" She frowned.

"But how would Charizard feel? Noctowl? Put in the other's reactions, too. The pokemon he abandoned at Oak's lab, the pokemon who travel with him in Sinnoh now, and maybe, if you want to do humans, use Gary and Oak. I always wondered how Oak really felt about Ash... And make his death slow and brutal. Maybe he gets trampled by the thirty Tauros he owns..." She cackled madly.

"Finally, one more important thing; don't make your character too preachy. We don't need them yelling about how wrong abusing pokemon is all the time. Once, maybe. But leave it at that, or else no one will read the story, simply because the OC is too annoying." She nodded.

"Oh, and in real world, pokemon world crossovers; if it's an OC's Pokemon showing up in the human world, how will the OC keep them hidden? Has this happened to any other trainer? How do the pokemon feel about being in the human world? Can they get back? Do they want to?" She nodded to herself.

The kids all filed out, and she waved. "Bye! See you next chapter!" Unfortunately, this yelling triggered an avalanche, killing half the class. She sighed, and turned to her Charizard, Glassjaw.

"Right, go crazy. Burn the evidence, would you?" She patted him on the head, and sat on the couch, and turned the TV on.

Vaguely, she wondered why all her classes must die, but she figured it was from some god she'd probably pissed off. Ah, the dangers of being herself...


End file.
